Butter.

Butter shouldn't hurt so much. All I wanted was to put butter on my frickin bread. Every time I try and eat around my mom she gives me this look. This look like I am the most disgusting thing she has ever seen. She makes me feel so horrible about myself. I already know I'm fat. Why does she have to remind me all the time? I know that i'm ugly. I know that I will never be good enough. I know. I know. I don't need to be reminded of my shortcomings.

Ruby 2

Lili was thought by most of our people to be the most beautiful of all of us. Because of this, she had many suitors, and this, this is where my story begins.

Her favorite suitor was Avimael, or Avi. He was tall, even for our people, and dark, like me. Lili, Avi and I had known each other since we were small children. We had played together by riverbanks, we had learned together from the elders, and we had been told, together, to fear The Darkness. Avi had always had an eye for Lili, even when we were only a few years old. As we grew, his fascination only increased. Lili was an unusual child, and an unusual beauty. Her eyes were wide and round, and they sparkled like the cut Soul Stone that she wore around her neck. They had a special sparkle for Avi, though. When she would look at him, the corner of her mouth would twitch upwards, and the sparkle would start at her pupils and spread like wildfire rings to the outer edges of her eyes. There was no doubt of the love that tied the two of them together. The Elders, though, had different ideas. 

It was the job of the elders to assure proper marriages, and they did not want Lili’s beauty soiled by a common ‘dark one’. They had searched far and wide to find a man who was fair like she was. They found one named ~, he was not as tall as Avi, but was twice as wide, with his body thickly muscled, his eyes were a deep yellowish color, like your topaz stones. 

The day Lili came of age, a celebration was held. The Elders sat at a table on a dais, as did Lili and I. In the midst of the feasting one of the Elders, Birch, a thick, paper-haired woman stood to make an announcement. 

A horn blew a short blast, to silence the crowd, and she began to speak in a voice as thick as her arms. “My people, on this day we have gathered together to celebrate the Coming of Age of Lili, the Princess of our people! Lili. Will you stand?” She said, turning her head towards my sister, just a bit. Lili stood, but the change in her height was almost indistinguishable. Lili was a small one among our people. Her golden hair coursed down her shoulders, which were covered by the thin, sheer sleeves of the flowing white gown in which she was dressed. BIrch beaconed her and she came and stood in front of the Elder. I smiled as Lili stole a glance into the gathered crowd and caught Avi’s eye, I knew that her sparkle was spreading, and I could see him practically  glowing. Birch began to speak again. “Today, Lili, you are to be crowned the Princess of our People. Bring for the Diadem!” She called in her husky voice. Two page boys walked out in tandem carrying before them a pillow of the softest fabric, upon it rested a glowing silver diadem that had been inlayed with stones similar in color to Lili’s Soul Stone and eyes. She drew in her breath ever so slightly, struck by the beauty of the diadem. Birch turned to the page boys, and drew the circlet off of the pillow. She raised it high in the air, and brought it down gently onto my sister’s beautiful head. “She has been crowned! But behold! The princess must not be without a husband! The Elders have chosen.” Birch bellowed. Lili caught Avi’s eyes again, “This is it.” he mouthed, hopeful. 

“~!” Birch cried again, and Avi’s face crumpled. “Please, will you come up here and Join your bride!” 

Ruby

So, I decided to participate in NaNoWriMo, or National Novel Writing Month. Here's the first bit of my story, Ruby.

Ruby 

My people always feared The Darkness, but I know differently. I know that The Darkness is the most amazing thing that could ever have possibly happened to us. First, I should tell you a little bit about the World That Was. The world of My people. It was not very different from the World That Is Now, just, a few more quirks. The first, and most important quirk was The Darkness. It is difficult to explain The Darkness, He just... is. He never started, and, though most of your people don’t know where to find Him, I doubt that He will ever stop existing. I will describe Him more as the story progresses. 

The second quirk were the Berms. They were similar to toads in the World That Is Now, but they were much larger, and flew about in pods suspended by, well, we were never quite sure how they stayed afloat, but the Berms were our worst enemies. 

As far as my people, there is not much to say. We were almost like the Fairies which you so diligently tell your children not to believe in, but very large instead of very small. There are few of us left now, and even fewer of us who would actually dare to tell our stories, though they are many and marvelous. 

Now, about me. Well, you can see me, can you not? Because of that, no description of my current visage is necessary, but I supposed I should tell you what I looked like when all was young. My hair, which has now grown white with age, was the envy of many, and my pride in it was my greatest downfall. It was thick, and a dark, lustrous brown. My eyes were said to shine like the sun on the waters. They were crystal clear, and the deep pink of what you now call rubies. My name is Mari, as in Marigold. I had a sister named Lili, she was two years my senior, and we could not have been more different in looks or in temperament. Her hair nearly glittered, it was so blonde, and her eyes were the thick color of the stones you call emeralds. I was impulsive and headstrong, she was a peacemaker, and was always cleaning up after the messes that I inevitably caused.

Will I ever?

So I realize that what I'm posting is rather dismal lately, but I don't really care. This is a place I come to not be judged.

Lately I feel like I'm never going to amount to anything. I just feel like all my dreams and goals are a bit useless. I wonder what it would be like to start over.

Sometimes when I'm on facebook, I look at my friends' pages, and I get sick. Sick cause they're prettier, smarter, more accomplished, and just over all better than I am. I know that makes me a horrible person for being jealous, but I just wish that I could do one thing well.

On the plus side, i learned that I'm not actually a slacker when it comes to school. The reason that college has been pretty much a breeze is cause i worked my frickin butt off in High School while people around me were slacking it, which actually makes me a bit more of an achiever than them. That sounds bitter and prideful, and it probably is, but at least i'm good at one dang thing.

Wake Up Call

I know a lot of people. Or... I used to know a lot of people. I feel like a lot of the people I was friends with when I was 13 are still trying to be friends with the 13 year old me. The problem with this is that I'm not 13 year old me anymore. Over the 5 years since then, a lot has happened in my life and a lot has changed. If people don't want to take the time to get to know 18 year old me, then I don't think I want them in my life anymore. I don't think I want most of the people I used to be friends with in my life anymore, to be honest. I'm a different person now than I was then, I belong to different communities, I have different experiences, I have different views. Not all of the changes have been positive, mind you, but I feel like in the end, they will be. 

I recently read a book by John Green. It was called Paper Towns, it was an excellent book, but sometimes I feel like Margo. I feel like it would be nice to stage an elaborate leaving process and just leave. Not die, I'm not suicidal, so don't go having a heart attack or anything, I just mean leave. Delete my facebook, change my email address, get rid of my skype, just disconnect from everything I used to be and go figure out who the heck I am now. Just leave. Be on my own. Get a job, have an apartment of my own, just be free. Not to be scared of being judged anymore by anyone, not having to conform to anyone's standards but God's, not having to act anymore, so I could just figure out what the crap I am now. 

I understand it being hard for people to be friends with 18 year old me, cause I'm not even friends with 18 year old me. To be frank, I really frackin hate myself. I'm not proud of most of the choices I've made in the past few years. I'm not proud of the way I act most of the time. I scare myself sometimes, with how I react to situations. 

Right now I'm supposed to be reading Management homework. I have a quiz over it tomorrow, and my team is depending on me, but I feel like I can't afford to give a crap. I really should get to that, but whatever. 

I highly doubt that anyone still reads this blog, cause it's been forever since I've posted anything. But it'd be good to see if anyone has any thoughts. I also might revamp this blog if I can. toodles. 

B90X

Hey everyone,
Check out this new Blog. My boyfriend started it, and I'm gonna be a team member for the New Testament Version. All the info is on the blog. http://myb90x.blogspot.com

Nightmare

shut it all off
turn it all down
just for a moment
slow it all down

let's look around
see what we've made
look at this nightmare
can it be remade?

wake me from this nightmare
please get me up
i don't want to sleep now
i want to wake up

do i want to wake up?
i really don't know
dear Daddy please hold me
and don't let me go

please, Daddy, hold on
help me to see
do what You're doing
just stay near to me

i think i am hurting
i'm lost and confused
i know You will lead me
even though i'm confused

shut it all off now
turn all the noise down
for just one small moment
slow my life down