Will I ever?

So I realize that what I'm posting is rather dismal lately, but I don't really care. This is a place I come to not be judged.

Lately I feel like I'm never going to amount to anything. I just feel like all my dreams and goals are a bit useless. I wonder what it would be like to start over.

Sometimes when I'm on facebook, I look at my friends' pages, and I get sick. Sick cause they're prettier, smarter, more accomplished, and just over all better than I am. I know that makes me a horrible person for being jealous, but I just wish that I could do one thing well.

On the plus side, i learned that I'm not actually a slacker when it comes to school. The reason that college has been pretty much a breeze is cause i worked my frickin butt off in High School while people around me were slacking it, which actually makes me a bit more of an achiever than them. That sounds bitter and prideful, and it probably is, but at least i'm good at one dang thing.

Wake Up Call

I know a lot of people. Or... I used to know a lot of people. I feel like a lot of the people I was friends with when I was 13 are still trying to be friends with the 13 year old me. The problem with this is that I'm not 13 year old me anymore. Over the 5 years since then, a lot has happened in my life and a lot has changed. If people don't want to take the time to get to know 18 year old me, then I don't think I want them in my life anymore. I don't think I want most of the people I used to be friends with in my life anymore, to be honest. I'm a different person now than I was then, I belong to different communities, I have different experiences, I have different views. Not all of the changes have been positive, mind you, but I feel like in the end, they will be. 

I recently read a book by John Green. It was called Paper Towns, it was an excellent book, but sometimes I feel like Margo. I feel like it would be nice to stage an elaborate leaving process and just leave. Not die, I'm not suicidal, so don't go having a heart attack or anything, I just mean leave. Delete my facebook, change my email address, get rid of my skype, just disconnect from everything I used to be and go figure out who the heck I am now. Just leave. Be on my own. Get a job, have an apartment of my own, just be free. Not to be scared of being judged anymore by anyone, not having to conform to anyone's standards but God's, not having to act anymore, so I could just figure out what the crap I am now. 

I understand it being hard for people to be friends with 18 year old me, cause I'm not even friends with 18 year old me. To be frank, I really frackin hate myself. I'm not proud of most of the choices I've made in the past few years. I'm not proud of the way I act most of the time. I scare myself sometimes, with how I react to situations. 

Right now I'm supposed to be reading Management homework. I have a quiz over it tomorrow, and my team is depending on me, but I feel like I can't afford to give a crap. I really should get to that, but whatever. 

I highly doubt that anyone still reads this blog, cause it's been forever since I've posted anything. But it'd be good to see if anyone has any thoughts. I also might revamp this blog if I can. toodles.